Model Master Gardener

Model Master Gardener

by James Yacavone, Master Gardener Class of 2014
(To the tune of Modern Major General from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance)

I am the very model of a modern Master Gardener.
I’ve read the very latest in the scientific lit-rit-ture.
I know of flower gardening and matters horticultural,
I’m cautious with my pesticides and inorganic chemicals.
With a quick perceptive glance I know your leafy specimen
Suffers from the type of wilt that we call Fusarium.
When others freeze in panic and succumb to mass hysteria
I can calmly recommend a cure for your wisteria.
Whether perennial or annual or woody ornamental,
To me the proper planting steps are simply elemental.
I know the basic function of your xylem and your phloem.
Regardless of the type of plants—you name ‘em, I can grow ‘em.

I am a Master Gardener. It’s the reason I was born
Though I still don’t understand what was taught by Sherrie Dorn.

I will not let that stop me from my master gardening quest
To rid your shrubs and flowers

every insect pest.

I’ll contend with bugs and beetles and the dreaded armyworm
Armed with all the knowledge from the lessons I have learned.
I’ll wrest with all invasives, the exotics and the weeds—
I know I’ll have the answers to all your gardening needs.
Your bots, your blights, your fungi—every type of plant disease;
I will recommend a proper cure with dispatch and with ease.
And when the day is over, there will be no time to rest:
Before I save the gardening world I have to pass the test.